Artistic Website Design and Graphic Art by LorriLee
Artistic Website Design and Graphic Art by LorriLee
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NEW
CHEMICAL ELEMENTS
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| Element Name: MAN Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50) Physical Properties: Solid at room temperatures but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples. Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol. Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source - good samples are able to produce large quantities on command. Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
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| Man - A Chemical Analysis Element : Man Symbol: Ah (short for asshole) Quantitative: Accepted at 7 inches though some isotopes can be as short as 4 inches. Discoverer: Eve (discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for ribs) Occurrence: Found following duel element Wo, often in high concentration near a perfect Wo specimen. Physical properties : a) Surface often covered with hair; bristly in some areas, soft in others. b) Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common Sense, melts if treated like a God. c) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol). d) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution. e) Tends to fall into very low Energy State directly after reaction with Wo (Snore... zzzzz). f) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature. g) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick. h) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year. i) Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of the Wo common ore. j) When pressure is applied, becomes stiff and unyielding; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied Chemical properties : a) All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible. b) May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely favorable conditions. c) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo. d) Usually willing to react with whatever is available. e) Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existent to pre-interaction effects (which tend to turn the specimen bright red). f) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody. g) When saturated with alcohol, will be fairly inert and will repel most other elements. h) Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers. i) Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety. j) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness. Storage : a) Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favorable reaction style. Uses : a) Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo. b) Can be used in recreational activities. Tests : a) Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths. Caution : a) Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very malleable under correct conditions.
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| Some
Facts about the 1500s |
| 1.
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to
smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. 2. Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children-last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it--hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water." 3. Houses had thatched roofs--thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice rats, and bugs lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof--hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs." 4. There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence. 5. The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying "Dirt poor." 6. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entry way--hence, a "Thresh-Hold." 7. They cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while--hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old." 8. Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon. "They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "Chew the fat." 9. Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead-poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous. Most people did not have pewter plates, but had trenchers. Trenchers were a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Often trenchers were made from stale Payson bread which was so old and hard that they could use them for quite some time. Trenchers were never washed and a lot of times worms and mold got into the wood and old bread. After eating off wormy, moldy trenchers, one would get "trench mouth." 10. Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "Upper Crust." 11. Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up -hence the custom of....... holding a "Wake." 12. England is old and small and they started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, one out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside. They realized they had been burying people alive! So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (That's right) "Graveyard Shift" to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "Saved by the Bell" or was considered a "Dead Ringer."
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| Menu
Translations
"Our wines leave you nothing to hope for." -- From a menu in Switzerland. English Text on Food Packaging: Foreign Text on Food Packaging:
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| Origins 1. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. That's where the phrase, "goodnight, sleep tight" came from. 2. The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General purpose" vehicle, GP. 3. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" or what we know today as "honeymoon." 4. The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the . 50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards." 5. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. 6. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's." 7. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle," is the phrase inspired by this practice.
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| Did
you Know......?
1. The age of the universe is believed to be around 14 Billion years.
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| Product
Warnings
"Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.
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| Did I say
That....? "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943. "Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and weigh only 1.5 tons." -- Popular Mechanics, 1949 "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." -- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957. "But what...is it good for?" -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip. "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977. "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." -- Western Union internal memo, 1876. "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" -- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
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| Tech
Support Help I got a call from an older lady who stated that after installing our software, her mouse would not work. After further questioning, I learned that she got a message when booting the system that a device was not found. I had her power off the PC, disconnect, and then reconnect the mouse. After rebooting, the mouse functioned fine. But instead of thanking me, she asked me sourly, "Why did your software unplug my mouse?" I attempted to explain to the lady that that was not possible and that all it was a loose connection. It wasn't good enough for her. She put her husband on, who asked, "Why did your software decide my computer didn't need a mouse?" Again, trying to explain the loose connection was of little use, and he wanted another number to call to return the software. I had a customer with a problem getting his mouse to work. So I tried asking him about his COM port settings and so forth. · Tech Support: "Ok, do you have a internal modem?" · Customer: "I don't know." · Tech Support: "Um...do you have a modem at all?" · Customer: "I call the Internet sometimes." · Tech Support: "Do you plug a phone line directly into the back of the computer?" · Customer: "Yes." · Tech Support: "Ok. And is this a serial mouse that isn't working?" I explained to him what a serial mouse was, and he agreed that his mouse was a serial mouse. · Tech Support: "Ok, do you know what COM port your mouse uses?" · Customer: "No." · Tech Support: "Ok, well do you know what COM port your modem uses?" · Customer: "No." · Tech Support: "Uh, do you have any other serial devices that plug into the machine, like a graphics pad, external modem, etc?" · Customer: "I don't know." · Tech Support: "Uh. Well, I'm gonna have to guess here, but your mouse should be on COM 1, and your modem is probably set for COM 2." · Customer: "What do you mean guess? I told you everything you need to know! Now quit messing around and just tell me what I need to do to fix it!"
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| At
the Office Cover Letters: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!" "Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume." "I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt." "Please disregard the attached resume -- it is terribly out of date." "It's best for employers that I not work with people." "Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity." "If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope." "You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!" "Here are my qualifications for you to overlook." "I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated." "I am relatively intelligent, obedient, and as loyal as a puppy." "Note: Keep this resume on top of the stack. Use all the others to heat your house." "I don't usually blow my own horn, but in this case, I will go right ahead and do so." "I need just enough money to have pizza every night."
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| Need a
Job...?
Resumes:
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| Useless
Information
1. The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time
television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
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